Fran Lebowitz and Her Amazing One-Star Product Reviews

A welcome mat.

Fran Lebowitz writes welcome mats set expectations for guests that they are welcome. This is seldom the case. (Image: via Amazon)

Fran Lebowitz is a public intellectual and an esteemed author, who also excels as a prolific Amazon reviewer. Her one-star product reviews come sprinkled with a dash of humor. Mentioned below are some such instances.

Welcome Mat (Seventeen Inches by Thirty Inches)

Fran Lebowitz writes that welcome mats set expectations for guests that they are welcome. This is seldom the case. She opines that instead of “welcome,” the mat should say “O.K. fine. You’re here. I’m here. Let’s get this over with.” There should also be a mat for the way out, which could read: “You see? Was this necessary? I think a phone call would have sufficed.”

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Garlic Salt (Three-Pack)

Has chopping garlic become so difficult that salt needs to be flavored? Fran Lebowitz says that salt is already a flavor and with garlic flavoring to the salt, a flavor is being re-flavored. 

Rubik’s Cube (Hasbro)

After finishing the Rubik’s Cube, it looks great. But what after that? Nothing much but you only have a better-looking cube!

Fran Lebowitz says that after finishing Rubic's Cube, it looks great.
After finishing the Rubik’s Cube, it looks great. But what after that? (Image: via Amazon)

‘Ultimate Foodie Cookbook’ (Hardcover)

The term foodie is mostly related to a personality. But Fran Lebowitz says that she does not like the term foodie. Rather, she prefers saying that she likes food. She also asks if we like water, air, and shelter!

Crayons (Crayola, Sixty-Four-Count)

Writing in crayons is considered a tool for kids and idiots. Would you like to read something which is written in crayons? Just imagine the Declaration of Independence written in crayons, wouldn’t it be really funny?

Hammer (Sixteen Ounces, Craftsman)

Is hammering needed? Do humans need to create holes in various things? Fran Lebowitz says she has been staying in a New York apartment for 35 years and has not made a single hole. There are just no wall hangings or décor in the apartment. She is sure that even if she dies here, she is eligible for the security deposit refund! Impressive, no?

Five-Piece Drum Set (Eastar)

Looking for an honest review for your five-piece drum set? Ask your neighbors — they will give you an honest review. You don’t try to judge in any way!

A hammer.
Is hammering needed? Do humans need to create holes in various things? (Image: via Amazon)

Portable Cement Mixer (Ryobi)

Portable cement mixer? Well, really? Are you trying to mix cement on the go or while eating or while working or texting? While mixing cement, the concentration should be on the job, thinks Fran Lebowitz. Anything else can wait.

Selfie Ring Light (with Tripod)

Clicking selfies and taking videos have become a craze today. Some people are addicted to it — don’t know why. For them, they don’t want to miss any chance if something interesting happens. However, that seldom happens.

Dry Shampoo (Pantene)

One-word answer for this is no. Shampoo and dry? Can’t happen really!

‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’ by J. K. Rowling

Fran Lebowitz says that she has never read Harry Potter and will never read it too as she is not a 12-year-old. Many adults recommended the series to her, but she did not change her mind. Everyday chores like eating, breathing, and sleeping are more important to her. For her reading, Harry Potter does not come under things she “wants to do” and things “she needs to do.” Period.

Coasters (Set of Five)

Coasters might sound fancy, but they don’t do much apart from holding drinks. Coasting is their only function, nothing more or less. But yes, they will depict a high lifestyle for you!

Cork coasters.
Coasters might sound fancy, but they don’t do much apart from holding drinks. (Image: via Amazon)

Amazon Echo Show 8 (Smart Display with Alexa)

Have you ever thought about what spying on you feels like? Well, there are ample devices with surveillance capabilities. Here’s one adding to the list. What about having a robot in your kitchen with a microphone and a camera? You can even talk to it! Stupidly amazing!

Metal Detector (Ace 300)

A man with a metal detector is a sign of something gone amiss terribly. He must have lost something! No woman has ever been seen with a metal detector. Now, what can a man have lost? Two things — either his mind or his wedding ring! His full concentration is on the beeps from the detector. The obsession with material wealth is killing.

Paper Shredder (Amazon Basics)

Do you work for confidential sources? If not, then you can keep all your documents intact, says Fran Lebowitz. Be assured that if you dump them in a garbage can, nobody will rummage through it.

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