Assertiveness or aggressiveness can be a challenge for “nice” people. Some people may feel it’s rude or selfish to say or get what they want from an interaction.
However, being passive is unhelpful and ineffective because people need to know what you want. On the other hand, being aggressive can make you seem hostile or even a bully. The sweet spot between aggressiveness and passiveness is assertiveness.
When you are assertive, you ensure that you take care of your needs without undermining the other party’s needs. Showing your authority without being aggressive means being direct and honest.
It’s important to know when to show authority, how to do it, and why aggressive tactics don’t work in the long run.
The timing of authority
You can strive to be assertive in all your interactions, but this isn’t easy. However, certain situations may require you to show your authority — without being aggressive.
Leadership
If you are a leader in a professional or organizational setting, you have to be assertive to lead and inspire your team to success. You are responsible for setting expectations and ensuring everyone follows set regulations or objectives.
Teaching
Teaching is a profession that needs an authoritative but understanding hand. You have to foster a conducive learning environment and maintain discipline.
Parenting
Parents need to set boundaries in a nurturing and constructive way. That’s where assertiveness comes in handy.
Conflict resolution
In conflict resolution, a mediator must be assertive to maintain fairness, guide discussions, and enable resolution.
Besides the situations, several scenarios may require you to be assertive. Expressing your opinion confidently may help you in job applications, meetings, salary negotiations, market interactions, and more.
How to be assertive without being imposing
Maintain respect
As mentioned, assertiveness is about getting what you want while ensuring the other party gets what they want. This means saying what you want without being mean, crass, or demeaning.
Be clear
If you need something from an interaction, it’s essential to ask for it straightforwardly and openly. It’s difficult for another person to know what you want. So leaving it to them “to do what is right” may not always work in your favor.
Have a positive posture
Your body language and tone of voice can show passiveness, assertiveness, or aggressiveness. It’s important not to seem aggressive by flailing your arms or pounding your desk because this may put the other person on the defensive.
A positive body posture requires you to:
- Stand or sit upright — but in a relaxed way
- Lean slightly forward
- Have neutral or positive facial expressions
- Keep your hands by your sides
On the other hand, don’t be too passive by leaning away as much as possible or crossing your arms on your chest. Passiveness may allow the other party to manipulate you.
Be calm
Dealing with conflicts gracefully is one of the most challenging things. Even calm people sometimes lose their cool when someone pushes their buttons too far. But being drawn into an aggressive confrontation may not allow you to assert yourself effectively.
So it’s crucial to stay calm even in these situations. Remember, this doesn’t mean you should pent up your feelings. Instead, let the other person know you are angry or disappointed — but respectfully.
Set personal boundaries
Many “nice” people don’t know how to say no or set personal boundaries. What are your likes and dislikes, and what are the absolute no-nos in your life? People should know you have boundaries and the consequences of crossing these limits.
This prevents people from taking advantage of you. Also, it helps you know more about your values and when to be assertive.
Use ‘I’ statements
Using “I” statements may help you avoid making accusations and unnecessary confrontations. For instance, saying: “I feel this work doesn’t meet this or that requirement,” sounds less accusatory than saying: “You never do this or that.”
The point is to avoid forcing the other person into a defensive position — where they probably won’t budge.
Do your homework
If you’re asking for something from your boss, co-worker, or even employee, you can research and ensure you are well-prepared. Doing your homework about the task and the other party will help you avoid becoming defensive if things don’t go your way.
Reasons to avoid yelling or aggressive behavior
Erodes trust
Yelling at people can undermine your leadership because it erodes trust. You won’t get the most out of the other party if they feel you are bending them to submission. And if they have an option, they won’t cooperate with you.
Ineffectiveness
People are defensive by nature. So aggressiveness gets defensive reactions instead of positive compliance. It may lead to resistance and retaliation, meaning you won’t achieve any objectives effectively.
Negative emotional impact
Aggressive confrontations can lead to fear, stress, or anxiety in others. This creates an unpleasant and toxic atmosphere.
Escalation
Escalating the situation can lead to more conflicts and a breakdown of communication. Also, it may make the resolution of conflicts even more difficult.
Loss of credibility
Aggressiveness and yelling can be a sign that you haven’t matured emotionally. It undermines your credibility as an authority figure, damaging your reputation and making it difficult for people to take you seriously.
Final words
Assertiveness is vital in many aspects of life. However, it’s crucial to assert your authority in a way that commands cooperation instead of resentment, fear, or ridicule.
You can show authority without aggression through effective communication, empathy, and setting your boundaries. This way, you foster a conducive and positive environment.
